Fears

When I was little, I had to be put to bed with the light on. As in, whoever was tucking me (E.G. Mom) that night left my bedroom light on, and then either my mom or dad, or if they could be persuaded, one of my brothers, turned the light off after I had fallen asleep. I also had three nightlights in my room, and a window that faced the street and a streetlamp. Clearly, for those who like to sleep in the complete dark, my childhood room was not for you.

In addition to this, I would ONLY be tucked in by my mother, because only she knew how to do it "right". My mom would spray what she called "sweet dream spray", which was really perfume she used to wear (I can't remember if she bought an extra bottle, or just used one she didn't care for), all around my room. She would then sing me a song. It was the same song, actually, every night. I don't know the name, it was a lullaby of some sort. However, when I Googled the lyrics, it was included in a fan fiction about Alvin & the Chipmunks. Random.

Anyhoo, all of this was done because I had two things: An extreme fear of the dark (could you tell?) and an over reactive imagination. I used to honestly believe all of the following: An evil wizard lived under my bed, mean gorillas had a habitat in my closet, and a vampire perched in the tree outside my window. Naturally, these things only manifested themselves at night. Some kids have imaginary friends, I was so prone to fear, I had imaginary villains in my room.

This is somewhat embarrassing, but I slept with a nightlight well into high school. The only reason I stopped was because, well, it was high school, I had friends sleeping over, and it was just plain humiliating to sleep with a night light when you were old enough to drive a car. But my fear of the dark has never gone away.

To this day, the number one thing I'm scared of is the dark. Everything is scary in the dark. When I'm getting ready to go to bed, I have to turn off lights in reverse order, meaning, I work my way from one side to the other, so that a light is ALWAYS on somewhere in the house. In the house I'm in currently, once all the lights are off downstairs, I practically sprint upstairs. Where the lights are on. If I have to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night, all lights go on again.

This is pathetic. I know.

What does this have to do with the list? A lot. #4 on the list is "conquer my fears." The dark being the biggest.

This weekend, I made an attempt to conquer my fear of the dark.

I failed.

I was home alone this weekend, and my already strong fears intensify when I'm by myself. I feel extremely vulnerable, weak, and for some reason, more obvious to others. Like everyone passing by knows I'm alone and scared. What a perfect time, then, I thought, to try to spend some time alone. In the dark. As in by myself.

I tried, I really did, but irrational fear won every time I tried. I would stand next to the light switch, and all I could do was think about all the things that might happen if I were to just hang around in the dark. "A serial killer could get me!" As highly unlikely as this is, it's the thing I'm most afraid of "getting me" in the dark. "Someone could break in!" Also unlikely, since the house has an alarm system. "There could be monsters in the closet!" Okay, I don't really think that one, but I just needed to throw it out there to show you how ludicrous these thoughts are. As a result of freaking myself even more, I hardly slept all weekend.

I'm thinking I need to start with a different fear, one that is less...established. Like maybe snakes. Or clowns.

What are some of your irrational fears? What do you do to calm them?