Fears

When I was little, I had to be put to bed with the light on. As in, whoever was tucking me (E.G. Mom) that night left my bedroom light on, and then either my mom or dad, or if they could be persuaded, one of my brothers, turned the light off after I had fallen asleep. I also had three nightlights in my room, and a window that faced the street and a streetlamp. Clearly, for those who like to sleep in the complete dark, my childhood room was not for you.

In addition to this, I would ONLY be tucked in by my mother, because only she knew how to do it "right". My mom would spray what she called "sweet dream spray", which was really perfume she used to wear (I can't remember if she bought an extra bottle, or just used one she didn't care for), all around my room. She would then sing me a song. It was the same song, actually, every night. I don't know the name, it was a lullaby of some sort. However, when I Googled the lyrics, it was included in a fan fiction about Alvin & the Chipmunks. Random.

Anyhoo, all of this was done because I had two things: An extreme fear of the dark (could you tell?) and an over reactive imagination. I used to honestly believe all of the following: An evil wizard lived under my bed, mean gorillas had a habitat in my closet, and a vampire perched in the tree outside my window. Naturally, these things only manifested themselves at night. Some kids have imaginary friends, I was so prone to fear, I had imaginary villains in my room.

This is somewhat embarrassing, but I slept with a nightlight well into high school. The only reason I stopped was because, well, it was high school, I had friends sleeping over, and it was just plain humiliating to sleep with a night light when you were old enough to drive a car. But my fear of the dark has never gone away.

To this day, the number one thing I'm scared of is the dark. Everything is scary in the dark. When I'm getting ready to go to bed, I have to turn off lights in reverse order, meaning, I work my way from one side to the other, so that a light is ALWAYS on somewhere in the house. In the house I'm in currently, once all the lights are off downstairs, I practically sprint upstairs. Where the lights are on. If I have to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night, all lights go on again.

This is pathetic. I know.

What does this have to do with the list? A lot. #4 on the list is "conquer my fears." The dark being the biggest.

This weekend, I made an attempt to conquer my fear of the dark.

I failed.

I was home alone this weekend, and my already strong fears intensify when I'm by myself. I feel extremely vulnerable, weak, and for some reason, more obvious to others. Like everyone passing by knows I'm alone and scared. What a perfect time, then, I thought, to try to spend some time alone. In the dark. As in by myself.

I tried, I really did, but irrational fear won every time I tried. I would stand next to the light switch, and all I could do was think about all the things that might happen if I were to just hang around in the dark. "A serial killer could get me!" As highly unlikely as this is, it's the thing I'm most afraid of "getting me" in the dark. "Someone could break in!" Also unlikely, since the house has an alarm system. "There could be monsters in the closet!" Okay, I don't really think that one, but I just needed to throw it out there to show you how ludicrous these thoughts are. As a result of freaking myself even more, I hardly slept all weekend.

I'm thinking I need to start with a different fear, one that is less...established. Like maybe snakes. Or clowns.

What are some of your irrational fears? What do you do to calm them?

Crane count

Since my origami paper came in, I have been busily folding away. Things started out a little rough, with my first crane looking pretty sad, but I'm happy to report things are going much better. As of five minutes ago, I've folded 32 cranes. So, 968 to go.

This morning the cranes and I had a photo shoot. Here is a sampling of their internet debut:







More can be seen on my flikr page.

Kudos: I have to give props to this guy (RobH0629), whose excellent video taught me how to fold cranes. Seriously, if you are at all interested in origami, subscribe to him on Youtube.

Some late afternoon linkage

If you're bored and looking for something to do, may I suggest checking out The Wedding Chicks today? They're featuring some pretty cool wedding stationary (actually, it's pretty cool regardless of your marital status).

You can even design your very own nautical themes monogram, complete with nifty anchor.



Everything featured today is courtesy of Posh Paperie, which I am now obsessed with. Anyway, thought I'd share. My origami paper came in, so I am currently learning how to fold paper cranes. It's friggin' hard, ya'll. 1 down, 999 to go!

One month anniversary

Saturday will mark one whole month of blogging here at Secret Life of a Bride-to-Be. Oh, how time flies!

Since I intend on spending my weekend between summer session 1 and summer session 2 doing absolutely nothing but laying out and reading smut novels, I thought I would get my monthly update out of the way now.

Every month (on the 27th), I will provide you, dear readers, with an update about where I stand in this adventure, what I have left, what I'm planning, how many days till the wedding, and any pearls of wisdom I've learned, or how/if these items have changed me. Here is our first installment:

Items completed: 4
Items to go: 51
Items started: 2
Days till the wedding: 352 (Good God, that seems like a lot. I guess it is.)

The items I've completed are #16, buy something completely frivolous, #18, make a discovery, #21, actually keep in touch with people far away from me, and #48 kick my caffeine habit (don't forget, you can keep up with the whole list here).

Of these four items, kicking the caffeine habit has been the hardest by a long shot. I miss my caramel macchiatos at Starbucks! I miss doing crossword puzzles with a cup of joe. Tea just isn't the same. I've realized that it wasn't so much the caffeine I was addicted to as it was the gentle routine of indulging in these items everyday. I associate my mornings with the taste of an Americano. My afternoons were caramel macchiatos. My weekends were regular coffee with milk and sugar at home. It's a sad state of affairs in my world, folks. Yes, I do feel better without all the caffeine in my system, but I miss it's smooth, creamy texture and the comfort I always got from drinking it. Everyday has been a test of my will power with this one. Some days are better than others. I do consider the habit kicked, but I don't think I'll ever get over losing coffee.

(In the interest of full disclosure, I highly suspect a relapse will occur after the wedding. Just saying.)

So far, I've learned a few things about myself. The biggest realization being about my athletic ability (or lack there of). Also of note, my re-found love for phone convos with the BFFS.

I've had a lot of fun this past month. It's going to continue, too, because the circus is comin' to Plymouth soon, and guess who's gonna go? Also, I ordered origami paper (would you believe no craft stores around here carried it? Unfreakingbelievable) on Amazon, so I'm sure some excellent pictures of my attempt to fold cranes will be forthcoming. At last count, I have almost 40 cranes to make up for since I was supposed to start this on June 11. Oops.

I just want to say thanks for reading thus far, and I hope you've all enjoyed this as much as I have been. I can't wait to see where else this takes me.

Writing about writing

(This is a somewhat unrelated post, as it's not really about the list, but kind of is, at the same time.)

For most, if not all, of my life, I've considered myself a writer. I've definitely always enjoyed writing, and it's certainly something I have a knack for, but for some reason, it wasn't until recently that I considered it a career choice.

For those who are unaware, I majored in Mass Communication at my undergrad, and I'm currently in what seems to be the endless maze that is grad is, attempting to survive and get my master's in public relations. Counting my academic years, I've been in the same "industry" for five years, yet I have trouble visualizing myself actually being a PR consultant or manager or what have you.

When people ask me, "So, Katy, what are you going to do after grad school?" I'm at a loss at what to tell them, because I honestly don't know. I can't even say for certain if there is a certain type of PR I want to do. I've found that this upsets even the most mild mannered of people. For some reason, I'm expected to just know.

"Well, what do you like to do?" They'll ask next.

"I like to write." I'll answer. Then these well-meaning people, I'm sure, will attempt to spout off a few things that kind of involve writing, but not really.

I jumped into my major feet first without really knowing what it was. From a distance, it seemed exciting, even a little glamorous. By the time I figured out it was mostly anything but either (most days), I was too deep in the pool to get out. (Or too lazy to change my major. Your pick.) Now, I'm stuck in it, at least for the time being, because I've segmented myself so much it will probably be impossible for me to get a job doing anything but PR. At least for a while.

This is probably why I've been such an avid blogging advocate for so long. Blogging is a release. I can write about anything I want in any way I want. I don't have to conform to templates and outlines and AP style. It's also why I'll never blog about my career. I can't think of anything interesting to say about it that hasn't already been said by someone more passionate about PR than I. I can, however, blog about me, my life, my experiences, and my thoughts on other matters. Like, for instance, becoming a "real" writer.

After years of education, I'm finally seeing myself as someone who could, one day, be a writer. That's why #8, write a children's book, is on the list. Of all the things I want to write, children's books are number one on the list (tied with short stories. I love writing short stories). I've always felt I would be a good kid's book author. I love kids, enjoy YA literature, and I think characters would be so more fun to explore.

The other day I started research on my book (yes, it needs some research). I began developing my main character, and I must say, I'm in love with the little bugger. He's (it's a he) a mix of both my nephews, a touch of what I think John was like as a child, with a little nonsense thrown in for taste. I can't wait to see what adventures we go on together. Hopefully he'll make a "real" writer out of me :).

Bridal Bargains: A review

I know I said I wasn't going to use this blog as "advice" for wedding planning, but, hey, like I said in my parameters post, sometimes rules are meant to be broken.

I just finished reading Bridal Bargains (9th ed) by Denise and Alan Fields. Let me just say, I'm going to classify this as a "must read" for all people planning a wedding, planning to plan a wedding or just plain interesting in weddings and the wedding industry.

The book is separated into two main sections: Your wedding and Your reception. Within those sections are chapters in apparel (this is the scariest section, be forewarned), ceremony sites, flowers, cake, music, invitations, reception sites, catering, photography, rings, transportation, consultants, registries, honeymoons...the list goes on. In each chapter, you are given TONS of information.

What I like about the book is how the authors don't just tell you "this is what you need to do", but they tell you how to do it, why you should be doing it, and what questions you should be asking. In addition, they also explain why you should be asking these questions. For a lot of brides, it's really easy to get caught up in the hype of the wedding checklists and time lines provided by most wedding websites (*cough* theknot.com *coughcough*). I always look at them and say, "Well, that's great and all, I know I'm supposed to buy flowers, but I don't know how to do this!" And you know if you go to a florist/baker/stationer/seamstress/etc, God only knows what kind of biased, wedding mark-up information you are going to get.

The authors also describe what it is you are buying, which is nice, because a lot of wedding planning and money goes to items that are intangible for quite some time, like the reception space, photography, etc. Eventually, all these items yield some sort of tangible item (a room, food, pictures), but when you are plopping down hundreds or thousands of dollars on a "deposit", you really don't know what the heck you're getting.

Not only do the Fields do a good job at explaining all the various things that go into a wedding, but they also do a great job at troubleshooting. The main theme in the book is "People aren't perfect. Neither are weddings." (sound familiar?) Each chapter has "pitfalls to avoid" where they give you real life scenarios and what you can do should they happen to you. I found this section to be particularly helpful.

The authors describe this book as the book the wedding industry doesn't want you to read, and I believe it. It contains money saving tips, myths I'm sure wedding peeps DON'T want busted, and then they actually rank various vendors! They tell the good, the bad and the ugly about various vendors and sellers.

A word to the wise though, this book will scare the crap out of brides-to-be. When I put it down yesterday, I felt overwhelmed and a little like crying my eyes out. I would suggest taking it chapter by chapter as you need it. For instance, read the chapter on bridal apparel before you start shopping for the dress, then read the chapter on cakes before you do that. That way it's not so much, "THIS IS HOW THEY WILL RIP YOU OFF AND EVERYTHING THAT COULD EVER POSSIBLY GO WRONG OMG" all at once, but more like, "Hey, here are some things we think could help you before you belly-flop into the proverbial wedding pool."

For what it's worth, I highly recommend Bridal Bargains as an excellent resource in wedding planning. I enjoyed writing this review so much, I think I may review EVERY wedding book I read. Well, maybe not every, but the ones that deserve it.

#16

#16 Buy something completely frivolous

I love to shop, but I hate to spend money.

I suffer from tremendous guilt, a byproduct of being raised Catholic, which tends to raise my buyers remorse exponentially. I buy things I need, if I'm lucky I want them as well, but I never buy anything without reason. I might buy a new outfit, but I more than likely have an event I need to wear it too. If I do buy something I don't need (like a new purse or shoes), I agonize over it. Whether it be the item is $1 or $100, I sweat it for days. Sometimes longer.

On top of this I have issues with buying things full price, but that's another story for another day.

The day: Last Saturday.

The place: The Independence Mall in Kingston, Mass, or, better known as, "The Mall."

The store: Victoria's Secret, just in time for its semi-annual sale. I figure I have an Angel's Card, I may as well use it (side note: I only use this card twice a year. During the semi-annual sales).

The purpose: I need to buy a new strapless bra to take with me when I go wedding dress shopping. I ended up getting sidetracked by this:



It's a bracelet. More importantly, it's completely badass. The rose on top opens, and it's perfume.



How cool is that? It's like a spy bracelet, but instead of containing a secret camera, it contains secret...perfume. Okay, that wasn't my best comparison ever, but you catch my drift.

(Actually, it reminds me of those rings that were popular when I was growing up. The ones that were shaped like hearts or stars or whatever and contained lip gloss. Does anyone else remember these? Or am I alone in a sea of nostalgia?)

When I saw this, I giggled. It was so cute and springy...and completely useless. I didn't let myself agonize over the fact that I really don't ever wear bracelets, I just threw it into my shopping bag and bought it. For me, this was a frivolous buy. But, as a friend of mine used to say, it is a little "happy." Or a little something that makes you feel good. It happys me. Every now and then, a little happy is a necessity in life.

I'm probably the least spontaneous person in the world. I'm also pretty uptight. I need to learn to let go sometimes. It's something I struggle with. This is addressed in a lot of ways in the list (pole dancing, hello), but I thought a little splurge was a nice way to wade into the bigger, less inhibition filled pool.

It's baby steps, people.

(And yes, before you ask, I bought a strapless bra too. And also, the bracelet was 75% off, but my inability to buy things for full price is a battle best fought another day.)

Wedding planning update

Well, after much heave ho, John and I finally set an official date.

We're getting married June 11, 2011. So, less than a year away.

(I better get cracking on those cranes.)

If you're at all curious, you can read more about us, our wedding, and whatever else on our dorky wedding website:

Click here for more info. I mean, if you really want to.

With that said, I did cross something else off my list this weekend, but it will have to wait for later. I hope everyone had a splendid weekend!

A more in depth explantation

There seems to be some confusion among friends and family (IRL and otherwise) over why I'm doing this.

This isn't something I'm doing because John told me I should, or even insinuated I should. Yes, he influenced some items on the list, but becoming a "better person" wasn't his idea, nor has he ever suggested I need to improve myself. He never said, "You know, Katy, I love you and all, but there are some things I think you can do so you'll be a better wife."

This is about personal growth and accomplishing certain things before getting married. It's about addressing things about myself I would like to change.

Let's face it, no one's perfect, and I fall far from the mark. I'm not trying to make myself into something I'm not for someone else. It's about learning. It's totally possible I could do something on the list and say, "Whoa! Never Again! That sucked." But it's also possible I could do something that completely changes my outlook on things for the better, or even tweaks me into a better person as well.

The truth of the matter is I don't know how to be someone's wife. I don't think anyone really knows how to be a good spouse until they're married, and I'm not claiming that riding a horse or conquering my fear of clowns will make me a good wife, but I do think I will learn skills necessary, that I currently lack, to be a good wife. Like courage, patience, tenacity and empathy.

So what I'm saying is, read a little more between the lines, and you might learn something. I know I am.

#21

# 21 Actually keep in touch with people far away from me

I'm notoriously bad at keeping in touch with people. Ask any of my friends. They'll be brutally honest (but they aren't much, if at all, better than I am) and agree, wholeheartedly.

It's funny. My mom is terrific at writing letters. Still, to this day, she writes letters to my Noni (her mother-in-law), even though they speak on the phone weekly. These aren't just casual notes, but detailed letters covering a week of activities over the course of several pages. Yet, here I am, incapable of picking up a phone and calling someone, just to say "Hi."

No more.

Last week, I had a three hour phone conversation with one of my best friends, Emily. We spent a lot of time waxing poetic about high school, waste deep in nostalgia. We vented. We reminisced. We reassured. Mostly, we laughed.

Ya'll, it was really, really nice. I had forgotten how nice it can be to talk, not text. I usually feel you need a reason to bother someone with a phone call, note or email. I've realized that you don't need a reason, per se, but rather a want to speak to the person on the other line, and that in itself is reason enough. It won't be a bother, but more than likely, a welcome break from reality.

My friends are fabulous people. I'm blessed to have them in my life. And now, it's a lot easier to pick up the phone, just to say hi.

Update on other list related items: I think I've successfully kicked the caffeine addiction! It took a couple weeks, but I no longer wake up really tired, and most days I don't even get cravings toward mid-afternoon, which was when I usually chugged a double shot from Starbucks. I will admit, I have been drinking a lot of tea, mostly due to the summer cold from hell, but also because, hey, I'm southern, drinking iced tea is what we do. It's got way less caffeine than coffee, so I'm considering it a win all around.

Also-also: The wedding is less than a year away, and I need to get cracking on my paper cranes! It's dawned on me I have no idea how to make origami cranes. Anyone have a good reference?

AND: Still waiting to do my red wine shtick. I need suggestions. What are some of your favorites?

Applications harder than grad school do exist

Today I did something I'm really excited about. It isn't on the list, but I still think it's totally awesome.

I applied to be on "Say Yes to the Dress."

Words cannot describe how much I love that show. I get teary eyed almost every time I watch it. Really, I love weddings, even ones that aren't my own, and I get great joy out of watching other people's bridal experiences. (The same goes to Bridezillas, on an almost carnal pleasure level. Seriously, I love that train wreck of a show and everyone on it, but I digress.)

Anyhoo, I was talking to my dear friend Bailey, who, coincidentally, is coming to visit me in July, and she asked if we could go to Kleinfeld Bridal. How on earth could I ever say no to that? If you answered, "Well, you can't!" you would be correct. THEN, she went on to say I should apply to be on the show.

Now, normally, I would have said something like, "Nah, they'd never pick me, so why bother?" But, in my quest to try new and exciting things, I thought, "Why not?"

Ya'll, that application is harder than grad school apps, and as Bailey would argue, way more important.

Maybe it's because I have serious trouble talking about myself concretely, but I had serious trouble answering the questions. "Describe yourself in 3 words." I'm a multifaceted person, so it's pretty hard to pick three. I ended up going with loyal, fun-loving, free-thinking. "Describe your style in 3 words." That one was easier, as I could have just said, none at all. As it is, I went with simple, classic, comfortable. The most difficult was "Tell us something we wouldn't know by looking at you." I don't generally have secrets, nor do I live a terribly exciting life, so it was hard to think of something. I ended up going with the list, because it's the most exciting thing (other than getting married) in my life right now.

I think I answered them sincerely and thoughtfully and honestly, and that's really all I can do. So, for better or for worse, what's done is done. I'll keep you all posted.

P.S. I promise I will have a list-related post for you in the next couple days. My cold has developed into a cough, and I've generally felt really crummy. Also, I have wedding woes of planning a Catholic mass wedding to share as well. All that and more, coming soon!

A change in scheduled activities

For those who follow me on Twitter, you know I was looking forward to taking care of #20, learn to love red wine, this weekend. I researched last week, I knew exactly what wine I was going to buy, and I was prepared to host my first wine tasting for my uncle (whom I live with).

Unfortunately, a surprise summer cold accompanied with a sneak attack sore throat has set me back this weekend, and I have been unable to indulge. (Yes, on some level I think indulging could have helped, but I thought best not to mix alcohol I'm not used to drinking with various medications.) Hopefully next weekend I'll be up to it.

However, the weekend was not totally wasted. I did get a good jump-start on #21. More on that tomorrow, because right now it's time to tackle something totally unrelated to my list: studying for a midterm.

Wedding woes

When you get engaged, no one ever tells you how hard it will be to plan a wedding. All you hear is, "Congratulations!" and "You're going to make a beautiful bride!" and "You must be so happy!" No one ever tells it like it is, which is to say, "Hold on, because the next year or so will be the most stressful, annoying, maddening year ever, and at several points you will want to kill either yourself, your fiance, your family or the people you are negotiating with because they will all drive you flipping crazy. Gooooood luck!"

I am hear to say that the latter is what should be printed on most "congratulations on your engagement cards."

In case you couldn't tell, I'm have a lot of difficulty with current wedding plans. We're trying to nail down a date/place, and the fact that the officiant won't return any phone calls, and the reception coordinator won't email me back is maddening beyond belief. All I have to say, is thank god for #20 because it's definitely helping me survive this.

Just so you don't feel totally gypped, here is the cutest darn dessert table I've ever seen, featured today on Style Me Pretty!