#30

#30 Accept the fact I will never join a gym and find a fitness program that works for me.

I often tell people I'm allergic to the gym, and I'm not lying when I say it. I have real, legitimate, visceral reactions when I am in, near, or around a gym. I start to sweat, itch and shake. I get a pit in my stomach. Every fiber in my being is screaming, "GET AWAY GET AWAY." Sometimes, I break out in a rash.

I've been told, by people with "medical degrees" and "knowledge", that this is less of an "allergic reaction" to the gym itself, but probably a "reaction to the anxiety I associate with the gym". Pffft. Whatever, doctors. I'm allergic to those bitches, and that's all there is to it.

Regardless of whether trained, medical professionals are correct or I am, one thing is undeniable: I really hate the mother effing gym.

As I have admitted in previous posts, I am not one of those stick thin girls. I'm not one of those in shape girls. Hell, I'm not even one of those average girls (all though, on a good day, I can pass for it). I am, as my noni so fondly calls it, a "big" girl. Slightly overweight. Big boned. I will never be thin. At my absolute smallest, I squeezed into a size 8, but if I'm being entirely honest, I was more comfortable in a 10. I am currently in a size 12. Sometimes, I wear a size 14.

And this, gentle readers, is why I hate the gym.

When you are a un-fit size 12/14, things don't always look good in motion. I believe Bridget Jones said it best: You know, wobbly bits. I have them. And, they, well, wobble when I try to do active things. Like, say, run. Or bike. Or whatever. I have no control over the direction certain body parts lumber off in. Things bounce without permission. Objects may make sudden, unexpected, uncontrollable movements. What I am saying is, I cannot control "the motion in the ocean" (Isn't that a pleasant image? I apologize). And there's nothing I can about it short of lubing myself up and shoving my whole body into a spandex suit, and you know, I'm not even sure that would do anything for my appropriately named thunder thighs.

So, when I run on the treadmill next to those stick thin, really fit guys and gals, I am super aware of what my own body looks like.

In addition to the body image dimorphism, I often feel like going to the gym is a competition against those around me. I see Pretty Blond Girl running, and I feel like I have to run as long as she does. If you haven't figured it out yet, I hate running and am not in shape, so this is delusional at best and down-right crazy at worst. I can never run as long as someone else at the gym.

Unless I find someone in worst shape than I am to compare myself to, I will always feel inadequate at the gym. And that's unlikely. How many overweight people do you see at the gym? Exactly. Few, if any. They avoid it for the same reasons I avoid it. Look it up. It's called gym intimidation. Seriously, you can Google it.

Anyway, long story short, the gym and I are not friends, and we never will be.

With that said, I want to look stunning on my wedding day, and I would love to put forth the effort to lose some weight. Just not at the gym. Enter my father (this is a good story, I promise). My dad walks every morning. Walking is something I can do. It's actually better on your joints than running, and brisk walking burns about the same calories per minute as running does .

So, every morning at about 6:30, I've been walking a few miles with my dad and other people from the neighborhood. It's actually, dare I say it, fun, because there's good company for gossiping, and I don't feel like anyone is judging me. I actually feel superior than people. I feel like I am exuding a very "Look at me! I'm up and at 'em and sweatin' and burnin' some fat! You all wish you were as awesome as me!" attitude. It's very liberating.

Anyhoo, so I'm walking. And I've added crunches to the routine, too. And soon, I'll start P90 with John. Between all of this, here's to hoping I'll see some results.

My mind is a messy place

I’ve been having really weird dreams lately.

I’m not sure if it’s the stress of finishing grad school, anxiety over moving, or the strange food combinations I’ve been eating to get rid of food prior to the move or what, but every night I have the strangest dreams.

Some are down right terrifying. For instance, a couple weeks ago I dreamt it was a couple months before the wedding, and I had to get braces put on again (for my not IRL people, I had braces for almost five years when I was in middle/junior high/high school. It was not something worth repeating). And for some reason, I couldn’t get Invisalign or those clear braces; no, all dream me could think about was how terrible my wedding pictures were going to be: Me with a massive metal mouth (and rubber bands). I was crying about it in the dream, and I woke up crying about it in real life.

A few nights ago, I had an incredibly realistic dream where I was being stalked. I have no clue who this person was, but it was a really scary, extremely realistic dream. You know that feeling you get right after you watch a scary movie or TV show, when you are getting ready for bed, and even though you know it’s highly unlikely, you can’t help but feel something is watching you? THAT’S THE FEELING I HAD THE ENTIRE DREAM. And it woke me up at three am, too afraid to go back to sleep and find out what dream stalker wanted from dream me.

I’ve also been having a dream, it’s not really “recurring” because the situation changes, but one thing is constant: My ex-boyfriend is in it. Let’s call him “Mark.” "Mark" and I dated for a little over a year from the spring semester of my senior year of high school through the spring semester of my freshman year of college. He was a nice enough guy, and I’d love to say we split amicably, but that would be a lie. The truth is I was a real bitch towards the end of the relationship (I, unfortunately, use to practice the “let’s see if I can be mean enough for him to dump me” school of breaking up), and we were never really ever to remain friends after that. Anyway, these dreams are almost like vignettes. Like little snippets of scenes or something. I run into him at the grocery store, the mall, running various errands, what have you, and all we do is talk. About relationships: I'm getting married, and he just started dating someone last year. About grad school: I’m finishing up, he just started law school. About the weather, whatever. Random stuff. Nothing "too" serious.

Now, I feel like it must be noted that I have not seen nor spoken to “Mark” in almost four years (thanks to Facebook for keeping me informed on his livelihood. I’m a world-class creeper, but that’s beside the point). I think I dreamt about him once before, after we broke up but before I met John (“Mark” and I broke up in April 2006; John and I met in November 2006), and it was extremely similar to these dreams.

Whenever I have strange dreams like this, I turn to my trusty dream interpreter www.dreammoods.com. I have no idea how accurate Dream Moods is, but for my intents and purposes, it works. Join me, if you will, as I get some premium web therapy courtesy of the fine people behind Dream Moods.

In the case of my orthodonture, the kind folk at Dream Moods say:

“To dream that you have braces, indicates your brashness and critics of others. You should not be so quick to criticize. You need to stop talking too much and listen to what others have to say.”

Wow, what insight to my inner psyche! I’m a self-proclaimed judger of people. To make matters worse, I don’t really criticize people to his/her face, but rather talk about them behind their back. Perhaps my dreams are telling me to STFU and drop this bad habit before the wedding. I think this probably goes along with some items on my list. Namely being a better person.

In regards to my dream stalker, Dream Moods states:

“To dream that you are being stalked, indicates some difficulty or issue which you are not confronting. These problems are not going to go away just because you are ignoring them. If you are being stalked in real life, then this fear may be carried over into your dream state.”

I’m going to go ahead and say “Duh” on this one. I know exactly what “difficulty” they are talking about here. Sadly, I’m not sure how to confront it. Might be something one of my list items can accomplish. We’ll see.

And finally, my new dream friendship with the ex. Well, Dream Moods, what have you to say about this one:

“To see an old ex-boyfriend from childhood in your dream, refers to a freer, less encumbered relationship. The dream serves to bring you back to a time where the responsibilities of adulthood (or marriage) did not interfere with the spontaneity of romance. You need to recapture the excitement, freedom, and vitality of youth that is lacking in your present relationship. To dream that your ex-boyfriend is giving you advice about your current relationship, suggests that your unconscious is telling you not to repeat the same mistakes that you had made with this ex-boyfriend.”

OK, fair enough. John and I are dealing with very “adult” things right now. Marriage. Moving in together. Finding jobs. Finding a place to settle down. These are all heavy subjects. While I love John with all my heart, it certainly wouldn’t hurt to put aside some of this stuff every now and then and just enjoy our relationship. This can definitely be reflected in the list. In fact, I am hereby decreeing a “No Wedding Wednesday” for John and I. From now until June 11, 2011, Wednesdays will be off limits for wedding planning. No talking about it, no making any plans, no meeting or phone calls. However frozen yogurt and taking walks and watching cheesy movies is totally fair game :).

Anyone else have weird dreams pre-wedding? I can’t be the only one.

Switching over, briefly, I went on a very nice two-mile walk/run this morning in an attempt to start exercising again. I loved the walking part, hated the running part (I’m allergic), and other than a sore left foot (thanks to an old injury), it was really great. John asked for the P-90 (not P-90X, the X-less one) for his birthday so we can get in shape, together, and be totally smoking hot at the wedding. I’m actually really looking forward to it. Has anyone done P-90 before? What’s it like and can you really get “the banging bod” you want in 90 days? Inquiring minds want to know!

A more in depth explantation

There seems to be some confusion among friends and family (IRL and otherwise) over why I'm doing this.

This isn't something I'm doing because John told me I should, or even insinuated I should. Yes, he influenced some items on the list, but becoming a "better person" wasn't his idea, nor has he ever suggested I need to improve myself. He never said, "You know, Katy, I love you and all, but there are some things I think you can do so you'll be a better wife."

This is about personal growth and accomplishing certain things before getting married. It's about addressing things about myself I would like to change.

Let's face it, no one's perfect, and I fall far from the mark. I'm not trying to make myself into something I'm not for someone else. It's about learning. It's totally possible I could do something on the list and say, "Whoa! Never Again! That sucked." But it's also possible I could do something that completely changes my outlook on things for the better, or even tweaks me into a better person as well.

The truth of the matter is I don't know how to be someone's wife. I don't think anyone really knows how to be a good spouse until they're married, and I'm not claiming that riding a horse or conquering my fear of clowns will make me a good wife, but I do think I will learn skills necessary, that I currently lack, to be a good wife. Like courage, patience, tenacity and empathy.

So what I'm saying is, read a little more between the lines, and you might learn something. I know I am.